Failure – Ain’t Nothing but a Thang
Failure paves the road to success. I’ve come to terms with that idea. I’ve even come to be almost comfortable with certain types of failure. But what really gets my goat is the by-product of failure, aka self-doubt. For me it’s not the failure itself, nor the fear of it, it’s the seed of doubt that failing plants in my head. Logically, I know that each failure just means I’m closer to achieving my goal, yet I can’t help but wonder sometimes, is there something wrong with me?
I recently applied for a writing scholarship that I figured I was a shoe-in for, then fear, failure and self-doubt paid me a visit. The award was based heavily on the student’s economic situation and, of course, their essay. Since, at the moment, my financial situation is very much less-than-savory and I wrote a darn decent essay, I figured, I’ve got this. I just ‘felt’ like it was mine. So when I got the rejection email I was actually a bit surprised. It’s not as if this scholarship was a make or break for going to school. It wasn’t as if I was being rejected enrollment by the only school I wanted to go to. Still it saddened me and I thought, well, I doubt they had a lot of applicants in worse economic situations, so perhaps my writing just wasn’t up to snuff. And that was the ticket to make me melancholy for the rest of the night. Depressed enough to have too much kettle corn and two cocktails, on a weeknight nonetheless! As I guiltily mixed the drink, breaking my diet, I thought, I know I am a good writer, why didn’t they think so? (The adult equivalent of: “ Why don’t they like me?”)
The problem started with my expectation, or the weight, I put on this scholarship. I tried to be balanced and detached. I told myself that even if I didn’t get it, it wasn’t a big deal. I still had the possibility of a grant and if all else failed, at least I had enough money saved for one class and that was a start. Secretly though, held on to this idea: if they give me the scholarship it’s confirmation that someday I will be a super successful writer – that perhaps I will be the golden child of the writer’s program. So naturally, when it turned out I was not, in fact, the golden child, that I was very likely not even the best candidate, my ego took a blow.
It’s hard to be a dreamer and know when to temper it. As an idealist, the part of me that says, you’ve got something here, conventions don’t apply, live extraordinary, and pushes me to believe in something bigger, yeah that part, also has some unrealistic hopes (and standards). As dreamers it’s as if the ability to think big is just built into our DNA. Unrealistic expectations of grandeur can be my forte and, in truth, part of the motivation for achieving great things in my life. But sometimes it gets to be too much. When it does it leads to what a lot of us dreamers and entrepreneurs experience as moments of self-doubt and discouragement.
We think we’re supposed to keep humming along, motivated every day to reach new heights – to achieve what we set out to do, without being blindsided by failure. Yet when the dark cloud of failure or doubt moves in we think of giving up, throwing in the towel, that maybe we aren’t quite as cool as we think we are. Truly we are both not as cool as and somehow totally more rad than we even realize. Let me explain, we aren’t necessarily going to fulfill every expectation, hope or dream our passion drums up, but what makes us extraordinary is that we do not get stuck (for too long) on the side of that road. We are the ones who keep moving forward even we feel so beaten down that we want to give up.
In a dire moment of parenting overload and flounced onto my bed and blubbered to my boyfriend, sitting nearby, “It’s all too much, sometimes I just want to run away, I used to think I was strong and now I’m so weak.” (It had been a particularly tumultuous day in teenagerland.) In his ever more rational way of looking at the world, he said, “Andrea, what makes you strong is not that you handle everything perfectly, it’s that you struggle and cry and then, even when you feel like doing the opposite, you never give up.” It’s probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
Life is full of storms, and there are even more when you’re pursuing a dream; sometimes you feel like you’re about to drown, or that it might even be easier to just drown and be done with it. Just remember YOU are the only one who can make your dream happen. Sometimes you’re going to give out, but that doesn’t mean you need to give up.
3 (or 4) Ways to stave off this particular brand of mind-freaking:
1. Fall in Love Again. Remind yourself how you felt when you took the first step of this journey, the place where you were inspired and motivated, impassioned to pursue this path. Being a dreamer or entrepreneur is like being in love. It always starts with the “honeymoon” phase. As you go through the hard times you need to remind yourself of why you are here in the first place, why it is so worth it. If you don’t you will lose sight or at least focus and it will not end well. So take the time to fall in love with your dream again.
2. Identify what secret/private expectations you have of a given situation and let them go. This is something you might not even tell anyone else. (Like my “golden child” fantasy) Easy right? Bah. This is a hard one, but if you can “let it go” and realize that things will happen as they should and that you’ve done all you can, you free yourself up for possibility. The state of possibility is where you can more rationally decide what actions you will take if this particular situation doesn’t work out – rather than reacting emotionally after the fact. And if you’re having a hard time letting it go, remind yourself that, most importantly, if it doesn’t go the way you’d like – you’re still awesome and you’ll get there, eventually.
3. Be Kind. When things don’t go the way you’d like, instead of berating yourself or bashing the person or circumstances, be compassionate with yourself and, gasp, maybe even others. Vent for sure, it’s important to get all that crap out of your head and heart. But then be kind to yourself. Learn whatever lessons you can from the situation. Improve where you need to improve, stretch and grow, but be vigilant about not allowing fear to take over again.
4. (PRAY like you mean it!)
Have some of your own tips? Please share!
