Ways to Keep Going

The other day I walked into a Starbucks to grab a drink. The line wasn’t bad, but the four people in it made an awkward formation parallel, rather than perpendicular to the front door. I thought it was odd that they weren’t queued up toward the door like at most coffee shops, but whatever; I fell in line. What happened next, a totally mundane series of events, fomented a clarion moment for me.

As I stood in this awkwardly aligned row, right up against a shelf of mugs, I watched as another woman walked in. She took one look at us, an odd arrangement of humans in a sharp, crowded angle and grimaced, then walked toward me and queued up behind.

I caught her eye as she strolled over and smiling, rolled my eyes. “I know, I thought the same thing, what’s with this line?” I said. We laughed.

The guy in front of me turned around, “yeah, I thought so too.” We laughed again.

Yet we all stayed in line.

Now the line was blocking the milk and sugar station. It began to bother me. One more person in line and this was going to get awkward, real fast.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a harried looking woman on her cell, flanked by two frolicking school-age kids, about to open the door and walk in. I thought of the old man sitting at the table next to the milk and sugar station. These kids would be all over him in a moment. This was a ridiculous predicament, I thought. So, why are we doing this? Why are we staying here?

I had to do something.

“Hey, let’s just fix this real quick,” I said, just before the mom and brood walked in.

I scurried over to where the line should have been. Everyone followed, even the guy in front of me. It’s was a little uncomfortable to tell strangers (or ask them) what to do, but despite my own fear that they’d see me as a bossy busybody, no one seemed to mind. In fact, we all exchanged words about how we should have done this from the beginning. So why hadn’t we?

As I waited to order my flat white, I couldn’t help thinking about how many times I do this in my own life–stay in a situation that someone else created just because I’m too distracted, or too afraid to change it.

Now, I realize this is a freakin’ line at a coffee shop, not a revolution, and there have been plenty of times where I did not have the nerve to change a dang thing. But there was some value in unpacking this microcosm of American life.

After all, what do big changes consist of if not a series of small ones?

As soon as I walked in that day, despite seeing that the line was a mess, I still got into line because I innately didn’t want to upset the social structure, aka didn’t want to be judged as the pushy ass who wants lines to be perfect. I was worried about what people would think, plain and simple.

Once I was in line I knew we’d soon block the sugar and milk station, which made me a little more anxious because there’s just no reason to do that in a perfectly large enough Starbucks. (Again, people-pleaser/social construct subconscious thinking.) And yet, I still said and did nothing.

We need Me Too moments

When the woman behind me walked in to the store with the very same look of confusion that I had when I had walked in, it sparked an unconscious change in me. There was a “me too” moment between us.

And then, because we expressed it out loud, the man in front of us joined in our “me too” moment.

As writers, readers, and artists—heck as human beings—we strive for these “me too” moments.

We touch upon them and even massage them, because of our primal human need for understanding and connection. Belonging. It is a truly beautiful thing to be connected, even if it’s just to a stranger at Starbucks. And especially when we live in a world so divided by politics, beliefs, judgment, and the dehumanizing buffer of rapid-fire technology and information.

Connection is key. We need writers and artists more than ever because they are our connectors. They aren’t motivated by money for money’s sake, like most every other message we hear, but by making sense of or expressing the world around us. Not that they can’t or shouldn’t make money–clearly I don’t believe that! But they are motivated and create from a place that is deeper and wider and more thoughtful than corporate structures and mass-market coffee shops. They speak to us through pathways that transcend other communication methods.

How bad does it have to get?

This is a question a lot of us have asked ourselves lately.

Here’s where the story gets uncomfortable. When the woman with the rowdy kids is about to come into the fray and make what was only a mild problem—an odd line of people blocking the milk and sugar—into a more uncomfortable issue: kids unnecessarily jumping up and down next to the old gentleman at the table next to the station, I finally took action.

We all have these moments when the family is going to walk in—in other words someone lobs some shit at the fan–where we either choose to fix the problem, or speak up, or simply stay in line.

Too often in my own life I’ve waited to the point where things were so uncomfortable that I had to take action. Sometimes I even went beyond that point and wallowed in the misery I should have left behind long ago.

Decisive Change and Connection

I’d like to be the person who would have walked in and kindly changed the line as soon as she saw it. It wouldn’t have taken much, really. Maybe a little uncomfortable social interaction, but that’s it. The line would be queued up with the natural flow again.

Honestly though, I think most of us would opt to not upset the coffee cart. Until of course, we reach our own personal catalyst point. That point where the sugar and milk station becomes blocked or the harried mother and her rambunctious kids walk in, or worse.

I truly believe though, that real change and courage to act often begins with connection. It was the connection that my line-mates and I made that gave me the confidence to change the situation. My unconscious human desire to be connected or liked by my fellow humans, when fulfilled, allowed me to then lead a (admittedly minor) change.

Why then do people who are accepted and integrated into their own social groups still avoid speaking up or leading change? There are tons of groups rallying around causes, or beliefs, or political affiliations, and yet for the most part, most of us remain in line.

Sometimes, connection alone isn’t enough.

There’s another reason that people don’t act, and that’s because we’re thinking about what we’ll order, or checking our Instagram on our smartphones, or puzzling out how we’re going to pay for that expensive dental work, or about whether our kid will pass the third grade.

We are distracted. And we live in a culture designed to distract us from what is most important.

From the moment we wake up to the moment we drift off to sleep we’re distracted with a million different thoughts, emotions, and corporate messages.

In fact, we Americans spend nearly 10 hours a day exposed to media (versus just 5.2 hours in 1945)*. And in those hours, we are exposed to nearly 400 advertisements.

That’s per day.

Those figures don’t even account for the more subversive messaging and advertising infused into just about everything we consume these days. And they don’t even touch the bait-and-switch tactics of our dear president, who deftly causes reality-TV style distractions while pushing through his real agenda in the background.

This insidious mass distraction tactic (and it is a tactic) is described so well by my whip-smart colleague Ellie Robins, in her recent piece for the LA Times, where she points out a root the pathological manipulation that’s long been embedded in our society:

“This school of sales was invented by Sigmund Freud’s nephew Edward Bernays, the “father of PR”…and an engine of early consumerism. Bernays drew on his uncle’s work to sell products by appealing to humans’ innermost desires — for freedom, for instance; for a certain way of life. Next he set his sights on restructuring American democracy itself. In Bernays’ view, humans were irrational and highly manipulable, making true democracy dangerous. His ideal was to hold up the illusion of democratic empowerment while curbing democratic impulses through a voracious cycle of consumerism that would pique and then sate people’s desires.

Under this consumerist vision of democracy, freedom is a brand to be bought, rather than a natural state or one to be achieved by active engagement in civic affairs. The Airstream that Flett so uncritically presents is the ultimate brand of this bought freedom.”

In the midst of all of this calculated distraction, we often don’t even notice that something is off, or if we do, it’s too late; we don’t feel like dealing with it, don’t have the energy to, or we’re afraid to.

Meanwhile, when the real shit is hitting the fan all over our world it often feels like soundbites.

Of course it hurts; it breaks our hearts. I’ve always been one to take on the weight of the world–but that’s not sustainable either. In fact, I don’t think we’re equipped to handle the entire world’s pain, but that’s another story.

We’re so busy and overwhelmed with everything our own lives how can we find the energy and dedication it would take to change things?

This is where Bernays’ philosophies are woven so deeply into American culture, so much so that we literally do not have the energy leftover from our daily lives to bring about the change we need.

Until it affects us directly, which is often too late. 

Until the mom with the rambunctious kids walks into the coffee shop, in other words, when global warming drastically affects our own food sources, or we can’t get the medical treatment we need because of our messed up healthcare system, or our kids can’t move out because living wage is jacked and they’re in student debt up to their eyeballs, or our own son gets killed by police brutality.

Will it be enough for us to step out of line and lead change?

I hope so. I want to believe it. Some people are already doing it.

The women and men who stepped out of line recently and exposed the men in power for who they are—sexual predators—are line-changers. The disabled who raise their voices to open our eyes are line-changers. People of color who are telling us, screaming at us to pay attention to the discrimination and brutality that happens to them every day are line-changers. Men who face the roots of their skewed sense of masculinity and expose it, are line-changers.

We have to care about human rights as much as the megalomaniacs care about money and power.

We have to get clear. We need more socially conscious people in power.

Again, I reflect on that moment of connection I had with my fellow line-mates at Starbucks (and yes, the irony of being in the belly of a corporate giant in that moment is not lost) and wonder how I might change my life in order to shift to less distraction and fear of social consequences to creating and seeking connection through worthwhile ideas, art, and knowledge, instead of the din of social media, news cycles, and celebrity buzz.

We can’t really escape the issues, challenges, or even distracting joys of our daily lives. And I don’t think we should completely anyway. But we can limit the bullshit we consume AND we can change our mindsets.

We’re living in a time of unprecedented information overload. Most of the thoughts bouncing around in our brains are pointless distractions, planted there by others. And with social media, we’re tapping on our pleasure-centers so often we almost can’t remember what it feels like to just be present.

The connection to community and other humans we’re so haphazardly and desperately seeking in social media and media at large could be much more effectively fulfilled in real life connections with other human beings. That and deeper self-knowledge.

We need to listen and seek knowledge. And those of us who can take action, must. Those of use who have the ability and privilege of speaking up, must. Sadly, my white voice will be listened to more than that of my latina sister, and less than that of my white brother. Let’s not forget that privilege is real, but changeable. But we must do this together, in whatever ways we can carve out–for writers and creatives that often means we’re most effective in our given arts.

I believe we were given those gifts to change our world. But we cannot fully realize it unless we clear the mental clutter and become relentless in our pursuit of giving power to the people.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to pull away from media while using it to still bring a message of inspiring, burning hope. I don’t have the answers yet. One-by-one I’ll work to shed the things that keep me in this rigged system of placating bullshit. I’ll listen more closely to what the people who are being hurt are telling me.

I think more and more I need to focus on the things that build up my resolve and make connections with others through what we have in common, rather than looking for what divides us. Because we have much bigger changes to make and it ain’t going to happen if we all stay in this wonky bullshit line.

I’m not sure there were ever any real glory days in this country—certainly not for those who weren’t in power— but that doesn’t mean we can’t begin to create them now.

I want to be a line-changer. Not a distraction-maker. How about you?

*According to a 2014 Media Dynamics, Inc. study.

Does this happen to you? You’re doing something new, pursuing a new goal or change and it feels like NOTHING is working. Here are some ways this has shown up for me:

• I’m pitching or submitting writing all over, but all I hear are crickets in my inbox
• I market myself, but my social following isn’t growing as fast as I want
• I’m working on that book and it feels like I’ll never finish it
• I diet and exercise but haven’t lost weight yet
• I tell my teenagers to do their chores, but feel like I’m just talking into an echo chamber

Been there?

Meanwhile, you look on your Instagram feed and it seems that everyone else is killing it. This is when I usually get a little punchy.

I’m the type of person who, once she knows what she wants, wants it NOW. Of course, as an grownup I’ve had to learn–usually the hard way–that I have to wait. And sometimes that wait is looooong. Or seems like it, anyway.

Trying something new, whether that’s a diet, pitching a book, eating better, or even pursuing your dreams, is a risk.  And risks always bring up resistance.

If we don’t try anything new, we feel safe, comfortable. We know what to expect, even if that’s mediocrity.

When we step out of our comfort zones though, and take a risk, we don’t know what the outcome will be.

And waiting in silence can sometimes feel like failure, or torture.

Our bodies and minds often react to the sometimes slow burn of waiting in predictable ways.  But the good news is that recognizing those predictable reactions can be an effective way to begin digging yourself out of the anxiety or despair of waiting.

A few years back, I had a job I hated. Every day I had to prepare myself mentally to survive the day without slapping my boss and telling him what I really thought. Aside from not being treated like a human being, I think the thing that stung the most was that I was working so hard at something that didn’t matter to me. I knew I was capable of so much more; I knew I wanted to do something more meaningful, to help people.

On top of the shitty job, I had a second job in retail, and yet still could only afford to live at my mom’s apartment, sharing a single bedroom with my two kids. Of course I realize that others have it way worse and I don’t claim to own all the pain. But basically, my prior businesses had failed and I was in a very disempowered mental state.

It was a real banner time in my life. 

My stress levels were near capacity, so much so that I was practically incapable of figuring out what to do next to get back on my feet.

Funny enough though, on top of all that I had recently decided to  commit to pursuing my dream of becoming a writer and speaker.

I figured, heck what else did I have to lose? If I failed at what I thought I should do (being a successful business owner), I might as well fail at what I really wanted to do (be a writer and speaker, inspiring others).

So between two jobs and two kids, I’d carve out 20 minutes each day to do something, anything, even minuscule toward the glimmer of  life I wanted to lead.

Each morning I’d pull myself up out of my twin-sized bed, and with a heavy heart, push myself to reframe my mentality.

My mantra usually looked a lot like this: at least you have work, this won’t last forever, there are lessons to learn in this space.

Most of the time, I believed myself. But sometimes when the tendrils of negativity had dug too deep into my soul, I bawled, cursed, and complained, which if I’m honest, helped purge me, too. In any case, I needed reinforcements–I could not rely on myself alone to be positive.

Yet despite the love and support of those closest to me, I knew the only one who could shift this was me. So I had to reinforce my own mindset.

I listened to motivational speeches, books, and seminars on the half hour commute to the job I hated. When I arrived, I’d take a deep breath before I opened my car door. I’d gather my lunch bag, straighten my business casual button-down, and walk, head held as high as possible, past my bosses’ office windows on the way to the front door. I grasped for a happy thought so I could have a smile on my face when I walked through the door to whatever shitstorm of demoralization was in store for me that day.

I’m not very good at faking it. But I clung to those positive messages I’d listened to in the car on the way to work.

I survived that near year of struggle and moved on to better things, but every day was a push and pull of dealing with crap and doing everything I could to stay afloat mentally.

It felt like FOR-EV-ER!

~

Nowadays, I’m doing the work I feel put on this earth to do and there is a deep well of fulfillment that comes with that, but not always such a deep pocket book. Of course I’m still working hard to attain certain further goals, aka building my Empire of Empowerment. **insert non-evil laugh here**

But sometimes I still grow impatient when results aren’t materializing as fast as I’d like. Sometimes I even get in a panic and wonder if maybe I would be better off if I just had a “normal” life and the security that comes with that.

When I’m smart, I go back to those coping tools I learned the hard way. So, here are some tools that will hopefully help you in your journey.

Weighing the Alternative

As weak sauce as it may sound, the thing that often gets me through a tough waiting period is weighing the alternative. I mean, I could be living a different life–one of predictability and stability, but never get around to writing my books, never help people with their brands, never bring hope to those who’ve had to rise above their circumstances. But I would be miserable.

So as torturous as it is to wait when you’re doing the work and NOTHING is working, it’s still better than not doing what you feel you must.

Listen to Positive People (or People Who’ve Been Through it)

Is that motivation enough, though? Aside from the shadow alternative of not trying, the other thing that gets me through is listening to, or reading, or watching inspiring people.

We can’t always have the perfect mindset, so sometimes we need to rely on someone who’s  not in the pit of despair–someone who can throw us a rope of encouragement to help us climb out of our self-imposed misery.

Did you know that for every negative thought or comment you need to counteract it with seventeen positive ones? Negativity is sticky. Positivity is more hard-won, but worth it.

Don’t Panic

The other thing tendency when you’re trying something new and aren’t getting a response or a reward is to try to figure out what you’re doing wrong so you can quickly change it.

Sometimes this is a valid approach. I mean, we all know the definition of insanity.

Sometimes it is not. More often than not, it takes more time to build this new thing than we realize.

Just because it’s taking time doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong track.

We’re so used to immediate gratification these days, so if we don’t get thousands of followers, or millions in sales, or immediate recognition right now, we think we’re doing something wrong.

Often, we just need to stick with what we’re doing, make minor adjustments, and trust that the Universe will meet us halfway. Either that, or trust that miracles are possible.

One way to decipher whether you need to change your approach or just keep sticking to it is to have a group of trusted, knowledgeable peers (or a mentor), to be honest with you.

It’s not over

I think the most important thing to remember though, is that there is virtue in the work itself, even if the outcome isn’t what you’d hoped for. As cliche as it sounds there is always something to learn. Usually a lot more from the things that didn’t work than the things that did.

Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve had many ventures, ideas, tries and fails. I’ve learned a ton.

Even if you’re trapped in a soul-sucking job, eventually there will be a way out if you keep your eyes open. Even if you’re not seeing results yet from your new workout regime, you will. Even if you’re not hearing back from publications on that essay you’ve been pitching, you will; or you won’t and then maybe you’ll just publish it on your own blog. 😉

We humans always forget that nothing is permanent (well, except death, but until then…). Change is inevitable, so if you’re going through a period of struggle you have to remind yourself it will end.

It’s also important to be realistic and not expect to be the next bestselling author, or Steve Jobs overnight.

Watch this:

Your WHY

Finally, the thing I go back to when I am questioning everything, including whether or not I should press on, is my WHY. I ask myself two questions to determine if I’m feeling like shit because I’m following the wrong path, or if it’s just a bump on the right road:

1. Why am I doing this?
2. Do I really believe in it?

We can have all of the right tools in place, but if we aren’t sold on the reason we’re wanting to lose weight, or start a business, or build this brand, we likely will not have the follow through. So if your “why” is not good enough, either figure out a better “why” or perhaps it’s  time to change routes.

While the first question prompts you to remember your goal, the second question activates your own well-developed bullshit-o-meter.

We often ignore the wisdom we have deep down. Asking ourselves if we really believe in what we’re doing can often reveal clues to whether or not we should keep going.

Here’s a tip: when you ask yourself these questions, pay attention not only to your mental response, but to how your body feels in that moment. Often, our bodies reveal what our minds are sometimes incapable of telling us.

~

Listen, I know it’s hard to keep walking the path when you can’t see where it will end. There are only a few guarantees in life, and most of them do not ensure that you will be the victor. But one guarantee is change. So if you’re doing the work, things will change. It may not happen according to the timeline you set, but it will come eventually.

I keep going, despite the times where I’d rather curl up in the fetal position and never get out of bed. I remind myself that to think that I wouldn’t be met with challenges when trying something new is just delusional thinking.

I believe that: good things are coming to those who are striving for good.

Music

Finally, one of the best ways to quickly shift your emotional state is through music. So here’s my little gift to you, my own personal badass-good-mood-kick-ass-take-names playlist. I hope it makes you dance toward your vision of success!