Keep Your Wits.

Sanity-saving, Mindset Shifts, & Ways to Keep Going

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How to Deal When Someone You Dislike Wins

Have you ever experienced something like this: Someone you can’t stand gets a win.

You know them to be a [fraud/asshole/full-of-shit/fake/abusive/condescending/fill-in-the-blank nasty trait] and yet they won an award, or got a big client, or a book deal, or whatever. Maybe they even achieved the kind of success YOU want! Dammit. And so you start obsessing over how unfair it is, how awful, crazy, frustrating.

when someone you can't stand gets a win, what to do

I hear about this phenomenon a lot with writers (and anyone, really). And I’ve totally done it myself.

In fact, I had this experience this week. And it threw me into a short-lived, but miserable spiral. Of course.

To be crystal clear and totally honest, this is usually how shows up in my brain:

#1:.What the fuck?

#2: They’re so full of shit [or mean, or whatever it is]! How does no one else see this?

They’re so [fill in the blank]—they don’t deserve this! OR But they aren’t/didn’t even [ thing you do better, or expect someone to do better in order to earn this ]!

#3: I guess I’m just not [full of shit or fill in blank] enough to make it in this industry. If THAT’S what it takes to be successful, I might as well give up!

#4: Am I crazy that I’m the only one who sees through this person? Maybe I’m wrong, maybe there’s something wrong with me…

#5: Yep, I’ll never make it. Might as well give up. I’m not good enough, not bourgie enough, not strong enough, not determined enough, etc. I’m CURSED and/or DOOMED.
aka I arrive at “I must be worthless/not good enough/ an idiot [fill in blank].”

Or at least that’s how it went for me for many years. Many. Years.

This week,  after too many bile-filled hours, I was finally able to shift myself at step number 3.

And call myself on my own bullshit.

The Wheel of Fear

In Fearless Living, a book that really helped me shift my life during my divorce saga, author Rhonda Britten has a name for this shit show: the Wheel of Fear.

Visually, it looks like this (or at least my artistic rendering that is) You’ll see the steps are similar to what I just described:

Wheel of Fear, Fearless Living -- When someone you can't stand gets a win

To break that wheel down:

  • I/we have a trigger event—the rejection, or the undeserving colleague. Whatever it is that gets your personal goat.
  • I start to freak out—not realizing my reaction is based in fear.
  • I/we revert into some deep fear (or old behavior) we personally have (different for all of us)—maybe for you it’s abandonment, loss of control, or feeling worthless, or feeling invisible, or something else.
  • This leads us to step 4–the things we do when we’re upset: drink, gossip, get depressed, sleep all day, blow off work, eat too much, obsess over the issue, etc.

And what does this do? It ends up triggering us again, because if we’re obsessing over the issue, or drinking too much, or eating a whole box of cookies or whatever, it triggers our fears again, bringing us back to our core fears about our own selves.

The Nasty Realization has the Power to Free Us 

As much as we try to push the onus on someone else, our fear and reactions and behaviors really have little to do with that other person—they are all about our own fears about ourselves.

If I’m upset that someone who is dishonest or smarmy is successful, sure on the surface it’s about morals, ethics, how I want the world to be better, but really, it’s because I worry that being myself is never going to be enough.

Mull that over for a moment.

It’s that deep-seated fear that I’m not worthwhile, that I won’t have success because I’m not smarmy. Another layer deeper: that I won’t be accepted or loved for who I am.

Damn it hurts, doesn’t it? Because it’s fucking true.

The Biggest Stumbling Block to Success

This wheel of fear is a real jerk-bag. It’s one of the primary detriments to writers and creatives who are trying to pursue their dreams.

Our art can be deeply personal and rejection, or someone else’s success, can sometimes feel like a threat against the validity of our existence. It’s not pretty, but if we’re honest—pretty much all of us experience this at some point.

Maybe you don’t have the same fears as I do, but I’m willing to bet (Monopoly money of course, don’t get crazy here) that you have some other dark fear then, something that sets you off  by whatever a trigger moment looks like for you.

We all have our own personal fear wheels though they might look a little different and be triggered by different events.

The Choice

When I start to feel that Ferriss wheel of drama winding up I still have a choice to stay on, or jump off.

That’s the key: we still have a choice.

I cannot control the things or people around me. I can only control my reaction and actions.

Everyone has different go-to responses that help bust them out of their dirty fear spiral.

One of mine is to ask myself WHY and then keep on digging til I get to the core pain/fear:

  • Why am I threatened by this person? (I’m afraid if they can have success  then I can’t)
  • Is that rational? (not really)
  • Why is it making me feel like this? (Because I’m afraid I’m not good enough)
  • Is my fear true/valid? (feels like it sometimes, but no)
  • Is there enough room in this world for both their success AND mine? (yes)
  • What do I know to be true about myself? (I am determined, kind, intelligent, honest) Do you feel how that softens a bit there? Shifting the focus from my fear to who I know myself to be.

If I can understand where my fear is coming from, it’s easier to release it.

Another tactic I use, is to distract myself with something I love. Maybe it’s a good book, a movie, painting, going for a walk. Reminding myself there’s a whole lot more to this world than that dang situation, helps me then be able to ask myself those questions above.

When I’m reeling though, and may not have that opportunity to do something I love, I find that giving myself time to think is key. This is especially good for those of us who struggle with people-pleasing or saying ‘no.’

Maybe that means ducking into the restroom at work for five minutes, or taking ten minutes to meditate, or saying “I’ll have to get back to you.” But sometimes I have to remove myself from the trigger situation and get back to the present. Because guess what? If I’m all up in my head obsessing over this thing, I cannot find a solution.

The solution is pretty much never in the same location as the problem.

Since I’m showing you Rhonda Britten’s oh-so-pertinent Wheel of Fear, I’d like to show you her Wheel of Freedom. This is what a healthier response looks like when you find yourself boarding your tilt-o-whirl-of-fear. But please, please read her WHOLE book on this, because there’s no way I can fully demonstrate the nuances of this approach in a post this short.

Wheel of Freedom, Fearless Living -- When someone you can't stand gets a win

Here’s the basic breakdown:

  • When you start to feel the fear grasp your heart with its talons, remind yourself of your essential nature—which is basically the deep-down good person you know you are (even when you don’t always feel like it). This also might just look like reminding yourself of what lights you up, what you truly care about in this life.
  • Then you do one of those proactive behaviors I was mentioning above (or rather your own proactive actions) something that gets you in a good place—for me, giving myself time to think, or distracting myself with a healthy behavior, asking myself ‘why’ until I get to the root of the issue, etc.
  • And this brings me back to my WHOLENESS. Now I can breathe, now I can go back and approach the situation with behaviors that fit my goals, my ethics, my personality and talents, shedding the negativity of the trigger situation. For me, that involved writing this post. 😉
  • This sense of wholeness gives me the power to release the fear and its dirty bag of lies and step back into living my life from a place of love and power, not fear.

Again, this is a simplification of a system that goes into greater depth and breadth, read the book for a deeper more faceted explanation of both wheels as well as a bunch of other potentially life-changing tools.

The Real Shift/Advantage

There’s a lot of judgment and negativity in the writing world and to some degree in creative work and entrepreneurship. I’ll tell ya though, if you really want an advantage—this is it. Being able to feel the fear and move on in a healthy way is priceless. Fear’s grip begins to weaken as your true badassery emerges.

Hey, I’m no angel and I still have my fear spirals (like this week, duh), but I swear this philosophy helps if you do the actual work of it. Give it time and your fear spirals will get shorter and less often.

You’ll find yourself less focused on outside bullshit that you have no control over anyway, and more focused on your badass mission(s) on this earth.

Understanding the Flip Side

Now, I do want to make one more point here. This one’s a little sticky. There’s a flip side to this too. All too often there are also those who hate to see ANYONE succeed, even good people like you and me.

Have you ever experienced that? You get something published, or a big client, or a big win, and someone you considered a friend loathes you for it. I know I have. You can feel that person seething as you claim your win.

Now that you now know that their reaction has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with their own fears and insecurities.

They are firmly on their Wheel of Fear. You cannot change them, that’s up to them. But you can be true to your core, your goodness, your creativity, and compassion for yourself and others, and still kick ass and take names.

So, in the immortal words of Ricky Nelson:
“You see, ya can’t please everyone, so you got to please yourself.”

 

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How do you save the world while still keeping your own family safe, fed, and cared for?

This week we watched the long-awaited Incredibles 2 and it got me thinking about what will it take to change things in our world, and our own lives. 

Fourteen years after the original film, I wondered how this new addition would be different. After all in 2004 (when the first film came out), things like smartphones, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook weren’t really a thing yet, Trump had only just started a new TV show called The Apprentice, and George W. Bush had just been re-elected.

Boy, those were the good ol’ days, huh? Bwahaha.

The Incredibles sequel did not disappoint. It was a great film. While it touched lightly on a couple of specific political and societal issues—including our current obsessions with screens and escapism—it definitely danced (with skill) around some pretty deep philosophical struggles as well.

With all that’s going on in our world right now, I sometimes struggle with balancing what I need and want in my own life versus the chaos and very real threats to others. Indeed, this is a moral and ethical dilemma that many an open-eyed human has been wrestling with since humanity began.

And one that the Incredibles struggle with in the film, namely:

How do you save the world while still keeping your own family safe, fed, and cared for? And if you have the power to change things, how can you NOT use it?

Without giving away too much, there was a primary argument in the beginning that I’d like to unpack a little bit, because I think it’s important right now (and always).

Early on in the movie the Parr family is faced with their ever-present struggle to do good in the world while in that very act (of using their powers) is illegal. (If you’ve never seen the Incredibles, superheroes are outlawed and must live like regular people, unable to use their powers). Parents Helen (Elastigirl) and Bob (Mr. Incredible), wrestle with whether breaking the law by fighting crime, in order to prove why the law should change is ethical, and whether a law’s morality is a big enough reason to defy it. In essence, how far can a law go before we defy it? And where do we draw the line?

On top of that, what happens to their family if they get in trouble for breaking said laws? Who will care for their equally super children?

I believe the U.S. is in the state it’s in partially because too many of us have been too apathetic, naive, or privileged, for too long. But also, and this is important, because those in power want to keep it that way.

Now I don’t want to go down a political spiral here, and I’m not advocating for going out and breaking laws. What I want to do is bring this back around to how we think about our lives, our creativity, and our money-making endeavors. Because all of this is actually governed by what goes on between our own two ears.

I hope you’ll forgive the borrowing, but as the saying goes “If you see something, say something.” This follows not only for the horrors of human-trafficking, and children being ripped from their parents at the U.S. border, but for all of our very lives.

What I see and what I must say is this: we need more compassionate, driven people to continue to step up, break some boundaries (maybe even laws) and build lives, businesses, and true leadership around the value of life, in all its forms.

For too long, we’ve followed the rules of how we “should” do things. It’s time to make our way into higher levels of thinking (and doing).

This can be hard if you’re struggling just to handle your own life, finances, and family. Like it is for so many of us!  I get it. Boy, do I get it. Sprinkle in some anxiety or depression in there too and you’ve got a recipe for paralysis. Naptime, please!

But let me tell you something that’s saved me over the years—through some serious shit. Something I didn’t have a name for, didn’t even know I consciously had until a couple of years ago when I read Carol Dweck’s Mindset, The New Psychology of Success.

It’s called a growth mindset. And while I’ve totally struggled with a negative or limited mindset a ton, I’ve had enough of this growth mindset to at least get me this far.

In her book Dweck explores what she has observed and studied to be two basic mindsets that folks have: either growth or fixed.  As Maria Popova puts it in her excellent overview, the book is, “an inquiry into the power of our beliefs, both conscious and unconscious, and how changing even the simplest of them can have profound impact on nearly every aspect of our lives.”

Our beliefs about limitations, abilities, and even laws shape how we live our lives and determine where and how far we will go.

A fixed mindset dictates that our intelligence, personality, creativity, and overall potential are pretty much set. In other words, we can make some changes, but essentially, we are limited by what we were born with.

A growth mindset, on the other hand, loves a challenge and looks at failure not as evidence of our ineptitude, but as a tool for growth, a way to learn.

As you might imagine, those with a growth mindset tend to be more successful, have better relationships, and are generally happier.

Now, if like me you have a mix of the two mindsets, your first thought might be, “well, hey we have to be realistic about what our limitations might be.” To that, for now, I’ll say, read the book.

But then your next question might be, “Okay, but can I actually change my mindset?”

Of course that question is the fixed mindset talking, but yes, yes you can. And in fact, shifting your mindset can really free up your life. Dweck writes, “Believing that your qualities are carved in stone — the fixed mindset — creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. If you have only a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character — well, then you’d better prove that you have a healthy dose of them. It simply wouldn’t do to look or feel deficient in these most basic characteristics.”

And there’s where we shoot ourselves in the proverbial foot. The more I try to prove myself competent the further I move from actually improving myself.

So what does this have to do with the Incredibles?

We are beginning to open our eyes further to the things that must change in our country and world, the laws, the practices, the atrocities; which is very important.


But what about the invisible laws at work within our personal lives? Unspoken personal laws, like:

I can only make a living at a 9-5 job,

I’m not smart enough to go back to school,

I’m too busy to write that book,

I’m too fat/ugly/boring to find someone to love me,

or someday when X happens things will be different.

Or this card that perfectly sums up some of my own moments of negative self-talk:

Available at EmilyMcDowell.com

 

What are the corrupt “laws” in your life that keep you from living up to your dreams?

Is it worth defying them? What will it take to change things? And is breaking those “laws” part of making your (and possibly others’) life better and more fulfilling?

I believe that real change starts within our own hearts and minds and if we’re going to change the world we must change ourselves. Conversely, though the time we’re in might seem dark, we must believe that things can change, that life is not limited by the self-centered rants and raids of megalomaniacs, that goodness can prevail.

Because if we don’t believe that, what’s the point? We must reclaim a growth mindset.

It’s the gift that has gotten me through some of the darkest times in my life. The belief that things can change, that our lives are not yet written, that we can still grow.

I encourage you to watch Incredibles 2 and think about what your own superpowers may be—because you do have some. I also encourage you to read (or listen to) Mindset, The New Psychology of Success and think about what laws in your own thinking must be broken in order to live the life you truly want.

 

Post Photo by Alejandro Alvarez on Unsplash

First Hand Perspectives: Mental Health Awareness for the Other 11 Months of the Year

MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSYesterday marked the last day of May and with it the final day of Mental Health Awareness month. And while I’m glad there’s a month for it, the reality is that folks struggling with, or affected by mental health issues, or mental illness, or heck, just the average day-to-day battle keep sane in today’s climate doesn’t just go away at the end of May.

One in five Americans is affected by a mental illness. That means at least 65 million people in the U.S. alone.

Mental Health consciousness might just be as simple as understanding that we need to take better care of ourselves, our stress levels, our minds, and being open to potential new aids like cannabis. This is actually a herbal remedy and it has been proven to be extremely effective in calming anxious thought processes, helping people who struggle with their mental health to find a little light. Click here to find out more.r some of us, it might mean that we’re working to break down the stigmas around a mental health issue we, or a loved one struggle with. Or there are some of us are just trying to survive.

I personally struggle with depression. For me it’s a malignant, heavy cloud equipped with tendrils that squirm their way into nearly every thought and effort. Sometimes it’s barely there, like a tiny, weak devil breathlessly whispering in my ear. I can easily conquer it. Sometimes it feels like it’s completely gone for good. Other times, the simple act of living hurts. My depression is categorized as mild to moderate. I rely on herbal remedies to get me through, a lot of the time, as without them the dark cloud can be a lot to bear. You can get info on what’s available in terms of these medications here if you want to.

Over the years, it’s given me a lot more empathy for others, but I still the rare occasion where I see someone struggling and think to myself how maybe they just need to get their shit together. This is bullshit, judgmental thinking (that I sometimes also apply to myself), and it isn’t what I really believe, it’s conditioning. And stigma.

And that’s what we’re looking to conquer.

But this post isn’t about me. It’s about mental health–which in my opinion should just be called HEALTH. And mental illnesses should be treated just as consciously as broken arms, or cancer, or diabetes.

The thing is, symptoms are different for each one of us. Like a fucked-up, tailor-made gift to attack our minds in just the right way.

To make matters worse a treatment that worked for Jane might be worthless to Joan. And in our society, a lot of times Joan will get judged for that. Like she’s just irrefutably flawed, or worse–faking it.

I could go on and on, but instead I’ve collected some amazing writing on the facets of mental health and illness, organized by subject.

If you struggle, I hope these readings bring you hope, and confirmation that you’re not alone. If you don’t personally struggle with a mental illness or maintaining your mental health, I hope you’ll read some of these anyway, and wrap your own mind around the reality of others, and finally help us obliterate the stigma so we can all get the support and help we need.

Mental illness not a farce, or a situation where people just need to buck up and handle their business. The struggle is real. And the more we acknowledge that, the better we can help those of us who need it.

Obviously, this post isn’t meant to be the end-all-be-all, so please share other articles or resources that you’ve found. I received so many awesome suggestions for this post (and so many I hated to leave out) that I think I’ll have to do another post soon!

We’re in this together. Let’s help each other rise.

Here we go…

The Non-Simplicity of Mental Illness

by Laura Dattaro

When I sat in that chair as a terrified teenager, it meant everything to have someone with a degree legitimize my problem, as though my pain weren’t real until a professional deemed it so. As I slogged through treatment throughout my early 20s, receiving a more severe diagnosis felt like, if not quite a badge of honor, at least a recognition of time served. (“Everyone’s depressed,” I happily told one therapist after receiving a Bipolar II diagnosis, feeling I’d at last been marked a true sufferer.) Read on…

How Lady Gaga Helped Me Confront My Transgenerational Mental Health Trauma

by Brandi Neal

I’m sitting on the floor with my back against the bed and my head between my knees on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. In a few minutes a car will pick me up to take me to the Lady Gaga concert at the Forum in Los Angeles, and I don’t want to go. I can’t stop shaking. I pick up my phone several times to cancel, but it’s a writing assignment for work so I keep telling myself that everything is going to be fine even though I am going alone, I’ll be on the floor smashed into a crowd full of devout Little Monsters – an imposter among loyal super fans – and I have no idea what’s going to happen – all things that send me into an anxiety spiral. Read on…

PTSD Perspectives

I’m going to start with pieces that explore some of the toughest, resilient folks in society and how mental health issues persist, yes, even for them.

First, this article is the first in a series for The Guardian:

Why are America’s farmers killing themselves in record numbers?

by Debbie Weingarten

The suicide rate for farmers is more than double that of veterans. A former farmer gives an insider’s perspective on farm life – and how to help

The US farmer suicide crisis echoes a much larger farmer suicide crisis happening globally: an Australian farmer dies by suicide every four days; in the UK, one farmer a week takes his or her own life; in France, one farmer dies by suicide every two days; in India, more than 270,000 farmers have died by suicide since 1995. Read on…

My client, ProPublica is doing an investigative series on PTSD in first responders. Learn more about it, and how you might help, here:

Help Us Investigate PTSD in First Responders

by Abe Aboraya

PTSD rates in first responders haven’t been studied at a national scale, but smaller studies of firefighters have found it to be anywhere between 6.5 percent and 37 percent. We know PTSD not only affects the first responder, but also those around them. Read on…

They’ve also done reporting on PTSD in violent neighborhoods:

The Best Reporting on PTSD in Children Exposed to Violence

by Lois Beckett

When people think of post-traumatic stress disorder, they often focus on military veterans. But there’s growing evidence that PTSD is also a serious problem for American civilians, especially those exposed to violence in their own neighborhoods. Researchers in Atlanta found that 1 out of 3 inner-city residents they interviewed had experienced symptoms consistent with PTSD at some point in their lives. Read on…

And writer Melissa Blake offers some first-hand insights:

How to Support a Loved One with PTSD?-?from Someone Who Has It

by Melissa Blake

When I was at my worst, there was one question that always made me feel better: “How are you feeling?”

It sounds simple, but to someone who’s grieving or struggling with PTSD, there’s something very powerful and comforting about this question. Read on…

Depression Perspectives

Giving Up Breastfeeding Made Me a Better Mom. Here’s Why

by Madeleine Deliee

I expected that pregnancy would change my body. I was prepared to give up alcohol, sushi, and high heels. I didn’t expect that I’d have to change my antidepressant. It felt like such a part of my daily existence, it never occurred to me that it would be another sacrifice to The Baby-until my doctor lowered the boom. I would have to drop the drug I’d taken for the past three years, the one that finally, finally worked to relieve the persistent depression I’d wrestled with intermittently throughout my life. Read on…

I Have Compassion For Everyone Struggling With Depression Except Me

by Erin Khar

If I were speaking to someone else who felt this way, I would say, “It’s okay. You can be 100% grateful for your life and still feel depressed. Depression is not a choice. Depression is a chronic mental illness, and it doesn’t make you bad or broken or selfish.”

And still, I struggle to believe that for myself. Read on…

It Isn’t That Shocking

by Leslie Kendall Dye

Just as a pacemaker supplies electricity to a faulty heart, an ECT machine offers a brief jolt to induce a seizure that, for reasons that remain mysterious, induces a healing response in the brains of many agitated people. I might call it a pacemaker for the soul. Some theorize that the brain goes into a kind of healing overdrive in response to the seizure; according to Tye, Columbia researchers have found that ECT stimulates the growth of new neurons. Read on…

Anxiety Perspectives

The Big Scare: My Anxiety Disorder Story

by Hannah R. Goodman

One of the things I really appreciate about this piece, in addition to the “what it’s like” component, is how Goodman explores the often shifting, changing nature of mental illness. For many of us, just when you think you have it figured out, it morphs into something else.

Depression and anxiety are in our genes. According to research, there is a thirty percent inheritability for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Some folks are predisposed to this condition in the same way that they can be susceptible to Type 1 Diabetes. Read On..

How My Panicked Trip to the ER Exposed a Major Flaw in Mental Health Care

by Caroline Shannon-Karasik

She says that, because of a constant cultural reinforcement to “get over it” or to adopt an “other people have it worse” attitude, this stigma and lack of empathy continues to “create barriers in seeking emergency mental health attention.” Read on..

My Relationship Isn’t Doomed Because of My Mental Illness

by Gretchen Gales

To clarify, it’s not like we don’t want to “just relax” or shut down our anxious thoughts. We want to be able to live our lives without the constant “what ifs,” questioning our sanity and our ability to be loved. If you listen to us instead of being judgmental, we might have time to tell you that. But the more we are shut down, the more we will shut down. Read on…

Anxiety in Color

by Bryden Smith

Later, in the fall of 2015, after I graduated, I sat in a design classroom at CU Denver full of MacBooks and actual artists. They were working with ease through a Photoshop tutorial while I struggled. I stared at my blank screen. I looked at the others around me. I felt different.

You’re not good enough. Read on…

Postpartum/Parenting Perspectives

Teresa Twomey: On The Big Bad Wolf of Postpartum Mood Disorders

by Katherine Stone

Fortunately, there are “bricks” to build a house against the big bad wolf of postpartum psychosis. The first set of bricks the foundation, is knowledge of self. Read on…

On Being a Mother with Bi-Polar Disorder

by Carrie London

When people hear that I am a blogger, they always ask what I write about. This is a tricky question because I don’t actually know at any given time and so I usually just give a glazed over answer of “mothering with bipolar disorder”. If this doesn’t scare them away immediately, they might ask what IS it like to be a mother with bipolar disorder. Read on…

Lesser Explored Perspectives

What If: On Black Lives and Mental Health

by Jodi Savage

Having a serious mental illness is bad enough, but Being black in America, with a mental illness can be life-threatening.

When I think of Black Lives Matter, I think of my grandmother. Shortly after her seventieth birthday, she begins calling 911 in the middle of the night to report invisible squatters and the children they leave in her care. Although she is a black woman who was born in segregated Florida, she has always had a reverence for the police for as long as I can remember. “The cops used to ride behind me to make sure I got home safely,” she often tells me about her nightly walks home from work when she was just twelve years old. If there were a picture of the holy trinity, Granny’s would be a color portrait of Jesus, President Barack Obama, and a police officer. Read on…

Monsters in His Head

by Tanya Slavin

My six-year-old son Martin has Selective Mutism (SM), a rare childhood anxiety disorder that makes a child who is perfectly capable of speaking unable to speak in certain situations. At this time, Martin only speaks to family members and a few family friends. Read on…

I Tried Brow Wigs After Trichotillomania Led Me to Pull Out My Eyebrows

by Hannah Rimm

Trichotillomania (TTM or trich for short) is an impulse control disorder, which involves the recurrent and insatiable desire to pull out one’s own hair. For me, it manifests as a need to pull out my eyebrows with a lesser desire to pull out my eyelashes and body hair. It gets worse when I’m depressed and it soothes my anxiety and I’ve been searching for solutions for my completely non-existent brows for months. Read on…

I Survived Cancer. So Why Was I So Sad?

by Pam Parker

I’d been cancer-free for nine months when I found myself weeping over poorly made eggs-over-easy. The yolks were hard, instead of dripping and lovely and orange. Those rigid yolks were the proverbial last straw. I’d had cancer for God’s sakes, and I was crying over eggs? I was supposed to be a survivor. Read on…

Eating Disorders

When Anorexics Grow Up

by Lisa Fogarty

The aging anorexic doesn’t make for a compelling movie. Adults with the disorder aren’t represented in pop culture and news outlets, so I assumed we were either supposed to outgrow our eating disorders or die. Read on…

And finally, for those who want to write about their experiences…

How to Write About Your Disability

by Rebecca Swanson

Make someone cry. Show how mighty you are, because your disability has made you so. The more people you make cry, and the harder you make them cry, the mightier you are. The mightier you are, the more people will want to read and share your story.

No one wants to read about you if you aren’t mighty. Read on…

I hope you get a lot from these pieces. And again, please share your recommendations below.

Stop Worrying Whether You’re Enough.
Try These Two Things.

​There are two stickers in my office that I received at last year’s Craft + Commerce conference which say, “Create Every Day” and “Teach Everything You Know.” I find these two mottos so important to how we writers and creatives establish ourselves and how we go about being the champions of our own work.

Teach Everything You Know.

Teaching is a great way to help others. But I find that teaching is also good for your own creativity and confidence. Not only do you help others with the knowledge you’ve gained, but in teaching you come to realize that you likely know a lot more than you thought you did.

But there’s something especially vulnerable about the “everything you know” part of the above declaration.

teach-everything-sticker

It can seem scary. Because if you teach everything you know, will there be any use for you in the market? Shouldn’t you keep some stuff for yourself? As protection against becoming a commodity?

 

And herein lies the sleeping monster. The inadequacy monster. The voice inside that says, don’t tell them what you know, they’ll steal it. They’ll do better than you. They’ll steal everything you’ve built. But this line of thinking stems from the sub-level belief that you’re just not good enough, or you’re just inadequate.

I know that voice intimately, though I’ve learned how to better tell it to shut the hell up. Not always of course, I’m human. And I have my triggers. But the point is, there’s hope for muting that voice.

I’ve found that when your worth is based on the amalgam of who you are and not just what you do, that’s something no one can take away from you.

Now, I’m not saying you should tell everything to everyone. Obviously, if you have an idea you want to protect that’s fine.

Maybe I’m wrong, but the “everything you know” part is more about sharing the breakthroughs you have, or the methods. Or even choosing who you want to teach that “everything” to.

Think of authors or artists you admire. Even if Mary Karr taught me everything she knows, I would not become her. Even if I knew all of her philosophies and methods, the work I’d produce would either be a bad copy of her work, or something uniquely my own built using methods she shared. You can bet if Mary Karr wanted to teach me, I’d be there, ready and willing, but always with the knowledge that I still have to do the work and that I still have my own voice in the world.

Now of course there are those who are just copycats, who steal and duplicate. And it stings when they do it to you because it is a wretched thing to do. But they will never BE you. They will never have your dare I say god-given talents, perspective, and creativity.

They operate from a place of lack (lack of resources, lack of confidence, lack of ethics). And when someone steals from you, it’s normal that the inadequacy monster screams in your ear to get back at them, or do the same. But you don’t have to. Because there’s more to you than that.

Imagine what would happen if we creatives spent a bit less time worrying about losing our worth and channeled that power into deepening the value of our work and who we are.

We would be more successful. We’d create work that is uniquely ours, untouchable by other hands.​

This is the heart of my philosophy when it comes to branding, selling, or marketing yourself: the more deeply rooted you are in the healthy soil of your own craft and self-worth, the easier it will be for others to see it and be attracted to it. And that’s where the create everyday comes in.

what to do when you feel inadequate

Create Everyday

create-every-day

I also have a t-shirt from the conference. 😉

While we may not always have time to write or get creative EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It’s still an important habit to strive for–even if that creativity doesn’t exactly have to do with your designated projects.

I think it’s especially important to indulge in creative play every day, whether that’s dancing, or writing free-form stream of consciousness stuff you’ll never publish, or painting ceramics, or planting in your backyard. These types of unfocused creativity can be mindful practices. And mindful practices open up space for us to make breakthroughs in creative work.

Some would even say that it’s in that regular practice of our creative work that our muse, genius, or best ideas come.

And that’s when another voice shows up, your own untouched soul voice, the one that is unphased by life’s barbs, the one that says, great job, this is good, this is important, you were put on this earth to do this. The more this voice is active, the better and more ‘you’ you become.

It’s a powerful thing to fulfill your purpose(s).
There’s a feeling like no other that comes from sloughing off the dark death of inadequacy and lack and moving about in the light, flexible warmth of doing the work you’re meant to do.

I hope you’ll spend some time thinking about that. Maybe even sit down in a quiet place and make a list of the things that you like about yourself and your work, and then another list of what you want to get better at and possibly a third, of ideas of how you could make creative play a bigger part of your life.

In the end, we have a short time on this planet and I don’t know about you, but I want to make the fricken’ best of it.

 

What to Do When You Have to Wait for Success

In Seth Godin’s latest book What to Do When It’s Your Turn (and it’s always your turn) he talks about how the radical cultural and economic changes of the past 10-20 years have created room for a very different type of work to emerge. With increased access to tools that once didn’t exist, we artists and dreamers have more opportunities to shine while also making a living.

But with increased digital resources, why do so few of us actually commit to living out these dreams? And I mean REALLY commit to it.

Sure there are the hangers on to days gone by, the ones who refuse to flex to history’s flow and stay rigidly rooted in their ruts, but what about the rest of us?

As with most limitations I think it comes back to fear, fear of the unknown, of failure, or even fear of success. However, there’s another facet: what it actually means to live in a state of tension.

When I think about it, there’s one thing we often run from in our modern society, it’s tension.

We don’t want to endure the tension of waiting to find out if we got likes on that Facebook post so we open the app for the fifteenth time today; we don’t want to wait for the finale of our favorite TV show so we binge watch, and we don’t want to sit through the news to hear the key headlines so we go online and consume, consume, consume.

Seth asks the question, “What happens to your work if you’re able to wait a little longer?”

Think of the last great novel you read or movie you saw, do they work because the tension is relieved in the first chapter, or scene, or because it builds throughout and resolves only near the end?

I’m totally guilty of avoiding tension, or at least I have been historically. I’m the type of person who decides, then does, and wants immediate results. It’s in my nature, or the very least my habit, and it’s part of what makes me a go-getter. But it’s also hurt me when I’m too impatient to see something through. Sometimes I need to pace myself, or remind myself that there’s also value in the in between.

In fact, most of our lives are lived in the in between.

So I ask, what might we miss out on if we only ever take the easier, more immediately rewarding path, or grasp at only low-hanging fruit?


While I don’t think we should view our creative work in too precious a light, I think there’s a lot to learn about the art of living from the natural course of nature.

Me, age 17, at thirty-six weeks along with my son. 1998, Michigan. Also, why did I pose in front of a giant white teddy bear?

When I was pregnant with my first child (my son) a nurse gave me the news that pregnancy isn’t really nine months like everyone says, it’s really more like ten–if you think about the fact that it’s 40 whole weeks, that is. Of course this is wonky math, but when you’re headed down a road where this being inside you hijacks your digestive, hormone, endocrine, and immune system for almost a year, you start counting weeks.

I was seventeen, newly married, and living in BFE—or rather Michigan—far from my family in California trying to imagine just how long nine months would feel. During my first trimester, I was barfing around three times a day and could barely keep the occasional saltine down. I was also working full-time as a preschool teacher, while my then husband went to school and also worked.

At my one of my first checkups, I sat on the crinkly paper atop the table waiting for my midwife to step into the exam room. I studied a nearby poster with illustrated renderings of each month of pregnancy.

At ten weeks along,  I learned that my baby now had the beginnings of little feet and hands and even a heartbeat, though he was the size of a bean. The largest illustration on the poster was a cross-section of a uterus containing a baby so big that it seemed to defy physical probability.  I wondered where the heck would my intestines and bladder go once this monster baby took over my torso. 

I was excited about my baby, but worried about how this long journey, and feats of internal physical contortion would pan out. The thought that grounded me was this: women and babies had been partnering in this dance for tens of thousands of years. We would both be okay.

With a knock on the door, my midwife walked popped her head in. She was a kind-eyed black woman who just exuded the feeling of calm. I felt better just seeing her face. She had this maternal way of being that helped the lonely seventeen-year old me relax a bit.

Asking how I was feeling she pulled out a heart monitor device out, rubbed it against her hand to warm it up and placed it low on my belly. I heard my heartbeat first and then a faster, lighter beat. To that point, having a baby felt mostly like sore boobs and round the clock nausea and not much else. But in that moment, it got real. My baby was real. That was the moment I became a mother.

In the coming months, I worried a lot. About things I had no control over, like first whether he would form correctly, until the ultrasound confirmed everything was normal, then I worried about whether he’d have a giant birthmark across his face or something awful the ultrasound couldn’t detect.

I felt kind of helpless but also in awe that my body and my baby’s body knew what to do. Even if I didn’t.

Of course, I could control what I put in my body and what I exposed myself to, which I did, with vigilance. But everything else was up to the workings of two bodies partnering in a dance that nature itself had perfected.

Just after he was born. Me and my son. You can thank the Nineties and scrapbooking for the beautiful design of my couch and the background, respectively. 😉

As much as I yearned to hold my baby boy in my arms and see his little face, I knew nature must run its course. I knew he had to stay in until he was done baking. And he did, even stayed in an extra week for good measure. Lucky me. Then he emerged fully formed, perfect. Indeed, lucky us.

Maybe our dreams, our goals, the good work we aim to do in this life can be viewed through a pregnancy analogy. Things mature in their own time, or become fully realized as they’re meant to. The problem is, we don’t always know when the appointed time of our dreams birthing. Sometimes you have to push hard at the right time, but there’s also a beauty in the expectation and tension of something truly wonderful materializing through perseverance.

Life is anything but predictable, and sadly just like pregnancy, things don’t always go the way we want. Sometimes, we do our best and things still don’t work. Sometimes, it does.

The truth is we don’t have control over outcomes, only the grit and work we put in. At a certain point we must dust off our hands and acknowledge when we’ve done our best. We’ve honored our calling. And leave the rest to nature, or the Universe, or God, or whatever you believe in.

I try to bring myself back to this when I feel myself vibrating at light-speed, revving for action right away, or when I’m down on myself, feeling like I’ve failed yet again. Tension isn’t necessarily comfortable, but I’m working on allowing it to move through me as opposed to allowing it to knock me down.

Sometimes it’s better to just take action and get shit done. Other times its worth it to work on something for as long as it takes to get it where it needs to be. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure, or a loser, or lazy. It’s one of those mysteries of life that we must hold with open hands.

As I set my intentions each day, I’m going to be working on being more at peace with the natural tension it takes to create something worthwhile. I hope this idea helps you right at the moment you might need it.

In the spirit of apparently being in almost every pic in this post, here’s me with Seth’s book. You should go buy it. 😉

5 Tips to a Better Year

I love a ton of @lewishowes stuff! But this recent “5 Tips to an Amazing Year” Instagram post felt, well, like something geared toward someone who is already well on the path (or has their shit together) and not someone who maybe is struggling with some big life-shattering things, but is still trying to live their dreams. Since I’ve been in that horrid place more than once I wanted to give something to those who find themselves there right now.

lewis-howes-amazing-year-instgram

(Lewis Howes’ Instagram post that inspired this)

So with total mad respect (still think you’re awesome, Lewis), I humbly submit my altered version for those who are just trying to stabilize first, then kick ass:Andrea Guevara 5 tips to better year for people going through it

 

1. One “Big” Health Change

It’s true that when we’re in our best health, mentally and physically, we can do SO much more. But if you’re under a ton of stress, or are sick, or have some big hurdles that just make being in your best health almost impossible, do ONE significant thing this year for your health. And when I say “big” I don’t mean try to do it all. Whatever will help you get on a healthier track—do that. Use it as a stepping stone. Maybe it’s eating meat only on the weekend, or walk three times a week, or go to therapy. Whatever it is, start small, the rest will come later.

2. Shift Focus & Stop Comparison

When you’re under major stress, loss of focus is one of the first things that sabotages your ability to move on, or find solutions. Comparing yourself to others is right up there too. I encourage you to focus on the things that bring you the best results with the least strain. Maybe that’s hanging out with friends who get you, rather than trying to make the other ones to understand what you’re going through; or maybe that’s reading instead of watching TV to calm your brain at the end of the day; or maybe that’s taking a damn nap instead of cleaning the living room. And for F’s sake, don’t look at anyone else’s life in comparison to yours—just keep your eyes on what’s next for you.

3. Two-Step Vent

You have to let your stress, hurt, and frustration out. Make a pact with yourself that you’ll vent to a trusted friend (or therapist) and get it all out and then, when you’re done, find something good in your life that you can grasp back on to. This two-step will help you recover faster and speed up the process of ridding your mind of the negative loop of thoughts we all get caught in.

4. Be a little nicer every day to you

(To yourself that is) Maybe you’re in a marathon situation, one where you must work to keep the roof over your head, or must be there for a loved one at all hours, or whatever. You can’t really take a proper break. If you are in this situation, take micro-vacations. I’m talking 5 minutes here, a half an hour there where you do something completely for yourself. Rock out to a favorite song, do a meditation, get a pedicure, or take a nap. Did I say “nap” again? You get the idea. Doing even a little secret thing for yourself each day can help you keep your head.

5. Follow your dreams

There have been times when I wanted to give up! All I could say for myself is that I didn’t. I felt like shit—like dying, like running away—and boy-howdy did I let some people know about it. But after I threw my fit and bawled my eyes out, I kept going. Your dreams are yours for a reason. Don’t give up, no matter how bleak the outlook is. Sometimes you can’t do much, but do something every day/week, in the pursuit of your dream, whether it’s as big as taking tangible action, or as little as writing down, “I promise, I will not give up on this dream.” You’ll get there.

~

You can be the hero of your life this year by doing your best to keep moving forward, despite whatever it is you’re working through. Sometimes, it’s enough that you fucking survived!

Don’t compare yourself to the person who seems to have it all together. You never know how different your challenges are. Also, you may have noticed, I didn’t have a super cool pro photo of me for this. What I did have is a picture of me happily posing by a trashed old car—metaphor for the personal crap I’ve been through? You betcha.

If you agree, let me know below or add your own insights and share with a friend or two who might be inspired.

When it’s Time to Step Out of Line

what does it take to make change?

The other day I walked into a Starbucks to grab a drink. The line wasn’t bad, but the four people in it made an awkward formation parallel, rather than perpendicular to the front door. I thought it was odd that they weren’t queued up toward the door like at most coffee shops, but whatever; I fell in line. What happened next, a totally mundane series of events, fomented a clarion moment for me.

As I stood in this awkwardly aligned row, right up against a shelf of mugs, I watched as another woman walked in. She took one look at us, an odd arrangement of humans in a sharp, crowded angle and grimaced, then walked toward me and queued up behind.

I caught her eye as she strolled over and smiling, rolled my eyes. “I know, I thought the same thing, what’s with this line?” I said. We laughed.

The guy in front of me turned around, “yeah, I thought so too.” We laughed again.

Yet we all stayed in line.

Now the line was blocking the milk and sugar station. It began to bother me. One more person in line and this was going to get awkward, real fast.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a harried looking woman on her cell, flanked by two frolicking school-age kids, about to open the door and walk in. I thought of the old man sitting at the table next to the milk and sugar station. These kids would be all over him in a moment. This was a ridiculous predicament, I thought. So, why are we doing this? Why are we staying here?

I had to do something.

“Hey, let’s just fix this real quick,” I said, just before the mom and brood walked in.

I scurried over to where the line should have been. Everyone followed, even the guy in front of me. It’s was a little uncomfortable to tell strangers (or ask them) what to do, but despite my own fear that they’d see me as a bossy busybody, no one seemed to mind. In fact, we all exchanged words about how we should have done this from the beginning. So why hadn’t we?

As I waited to order my flat white, I couldn’t help thinking about how many times I do this in my own life–stay in a situation that someone else created just because I’m too distracted, or too afraid to change it.

Now, I realize this is a freakin’ line at a coffee shop, not a revolution, and there have been plenty of times where I did not have the nerve to change a dang thing. But there was some value in unpacking this microcosm of American life.

After all, what do big changes consist of if not a series of small ones?

As soon as I walked in that day, despite seeing that the line was a mess, I still got into line because I innately didn’t want to upset the social structure, aka didn’t want to be judged as the pushy ass who wants lines to be perfect. I was worried about what people would think, plain and simple.

Once I was in line I knew we’d soon block the sugar and milk station, which made me a little more anxious because there’s just no reason to do that in a perfectly large enough Starbucks. (Again, people-pleaser/social construct subconscious thinking.) And yet, I still said and did nothing.

We need Me Too moments

When the woman behind me walked in to the store with the very same look of confusion that I had when I had walked in, it sparked an unconscious change in me. There was a “me too” moment between us.

And then, because we expressed it out loud, the man in front of us joined in our “me too” moment.

As writers, readers, and artists—heck as human beings—we strive for these “me too” moments.

We touch upon them and even massage them, because of our primal human need for understanding and connection. Belonging. It is a truly beautiful thing to be connected, even if it’s just to a stranger at Starbucks. And especially when we live in a world so divided by politics, beliefs, judgment, and the dehumanizing buffer of rapid-fire technology and information.

Connection is key. We need writers and artists more than ever because they are our connectors. They aren’t motivated by money for money’s sake, like most every other message we hear, but by making sense of or expressing the world around us. Not that they can’t or shouldn’t make money–clearly I don’t believe that! But they are motivated and create from a place that is deeper and wider and more thoughtful than corporate structures and mass-market coffee shops. They speak to us through pathways that transcend other communication methods.

stronger together

How bad does it have to get?

This is a question a lot of us have asked ourselves lately.

Here’s where the story gets uncomfortable. When the woman with the rowdy kids is about to come into the fray and make what was only a mild problem—an odd line of people blocking the milk and sugar—into a more uncomfortable issue: kids unnecessarily jumping up and down next to the old gentleman at the table next to the station, I finally took action.

We all have these moments when the family is going to walk in—in other words someone lobs some shit at the fan–where we either choose to fix the problem, or speak up, or simply stay in line.

Too often in my own life I’ve waited to the point where things were so uncomfortable that I had to take action. Sometimes I even went beyond that point and wallowed in the misery I should have left behind long ago.

Decisive Change and Connection

I’d like to be the person who would have walked in and kindly changed the line as soon as she saw it. It wouldn’t have taken much, really. Maybe a little uncomfortable social interaction, but that’s it. The line would be queued up with the natural flow again.

Honestly though, I think most of us would opt to not upset the coffee cart. Until of course, we reach our own personal catalyst point. That point where the sugar and milk station becomes blocked or the harried mother and her rambunctious kids walk in, or worse.

I truly believe though, that real change and courage to act often begins with connection. It was the connection that my line-mates and I made that gave me the confidence to change the situation. My unconscious human desire to be connected or liked by my fellow humans, when fulfilled, allowed me to then lead a (admittedly minor) change.

Why then do people who are accepted and integrated into their own social groups still avoid speaking up or leading change? There are tons of groups rallying around causes, or beliefs, or political affiliations, and yet for the most part, most of us remain in line.

Sometimes, connection alone isn’t enough.

There’s another reason that people don’t act, and that’s because we’re thinking about what we’ll order, or checking our Instagram on our smartphones, or puzzling out how we’re going to pay for that expensive dental work, or about whether our kid will pass the third grade.

We are distracted. And we live in a culture designed to distract us from what is most important.

From the moment we wake up to the moment we drift off to sleep we’re distracted with a million different thoughts, emotions, and corporate messages.

In fact, we Americans spend nearly 10 hours a day exposed to media (versus just 5.2 hours in 1945)*. And in those hours, we are exposed to nearly 400 advertisements.

That’s per day.

Those figures don’t even account for the more subversive messaging and advertising infused into just about everything we consume these days. And they don’t even touch the bait-and-switch tactics of our dear president, who deftly causes reality-TV style distractions while pushing through his real agenda in the background.

This insidious mass distraction tactic (and it is a tactic) is described so well by my whip-smart colleague Ellie Robins, in her recent piece for the LA Times, where she points out a root the pathological manipulation that’s long been embedded in our society:

“This school of sales was invented by Sigmund Freud’s nephew Edward Bernays, the “father of PR”…and an engine of early consumerism. Bernays drew on his uncle’s work to sell products by appealing to humans’ innermost desires — for freedom, for instance; for a certain way of life. Next he set his sights on restructuring American democracy itself. In Bernays’ view, humans were irrational and highly manipulable, making true democracy dangerous. His ideal was to hold up the illusion of democratic empowerment while curbing democratic impulses through a voracious cycle of consumerism that would pique and then sate people’s desires.

Under this consumerist vision of democracy, freedom is a brand to be bought, rather than a natural state or one to be achieved by active engagement in civic affairs. The Airstream that Flett so uncritically presents is the ultimate brand of this bought freedom.”

In the midst of all of this calculated distraction, we often don’t even notice that something is off, or if we do, it’s too late; we don’t feel like dealing with it, don’t have the energy to, or we’re afraid to.

Meanwhile, when the real shit is hitting the fan all over our world it often feels like soundbites.

Of course it hurts; it breaks our hearts. I’ve always been one to take on the weight of the world–but that’s not sustainable either. In fact, I don’t think we’re equipped to handle the entire world’s pain, but that’s another story.

We’re so busy and overwhelmed with everything our own lives how can we find the energy and dedication it would take to change things?

This is where Bernays’ philosophies are woven so deeply into American culture, so much so that we literally do not have the energy leftover from our daily lives to bring about the change we need.

Until it affects us directly, which is often too late. 

Until the mom with the rambunctious kids walks into the coffee shop, in other words, when global warming drastically affects our own food sources, or we can’t get the medical treatment we need because of our messed up healthcare system, or our kids can’t move out because living wage is jacked and they’re in student debt up to their eyeballs, or our own son gets killed by police brutality.

Will it be enough for us to step out of line and lead change?

I hope so. I want to believe it. Some people are already doing it.

The women and men who stepped out of line recently and exposed the men in power for who they are—sexual predators—are line-changers. The disabled who raise their voices to open our eyes are line-changers. People of color who are telling us, screaming at us to pay attention to the discrimination and brutality that happens to them every day are line-changers. Men who face the roots of their skewed sense of masculinity and expose it, are line-changers.

Protesters with signs in LAWe have to care about human rights as much as the megalomaniacs care about money and power.

We have to get clear. We need more socially conscious people in power.

Again, I reflect on that moment of connection I had with my fellow line-mates at Starbucks (and yes, the irony of being in the belly of a corporate giant in that moment is not lost) and wonder how I might change my life in order to shift to less distraction and fear of social consequences to creating and seeking connection through worthwhile ideas, art, and knowledge, instead of the din of social media, news cycles, and celebrity buzz.

We can’t really escape the issues, challenges, or even distracting joys of our daily lives. And I don’t think we should completely anyway. But we can limit the bullshit we consume AND we can change our mindsets.

We’re living in a time of unprecedented information overload. Most of the thoughts bouncing around in our brains are pointless distractions, planted there by others. And with social media, we’re tapping on our pleasure-centers so often we almost can’t remember what it feels like to just be present.

The connection to community and other humans we’re so haphazardly and desperately seeking in social media and media at large could be much more effectively fulfilled in real life connections with other human beings. That and deeper self-knowledge.

We need to listen and seek knowledge. And those of us who can take action, must. Those of use who have the ability and privilege of speaking up, must. Sadly, my white voice will be listened to more than that of my latina sister, and less than that of my white brother. Let’s not forget that privilege is real, but changeable. But we must do this together, in whatever ways we can carve out–for writers and creatives that often means we’re most effective in our given arts.

I believe we were given those gifts to change our world. But we cannot fully realize it unless we clear the mental clutter and become relentless in our pursuit of giving power to the people.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to pull away from media while using it to still bring a message of inspiring, burning hope. I don’t have the answers yet. One-by-one I’ll work to shed the things that keep me in this rigged system of placating bullshit. I’ll listen more closely to what the people who are being hurt are telling me.

I think more and more I need to focus on the things that build up my resolve and make connections with others through what we have in common, rather than looking for what divides us. Because we have much bigger changes to make and it ain’t going to happen if we all stay in this wonky bullshit line.

I’m not sure there were ever any real glory days in this country—certainly not for those who weren’t in power— but that doesn’t mean we can’t begin to create them now.

I want to be a line-changer. Not a distraction-maker. How about you?

 

*According to a 2014 Media Dynamics, Inc. study.

Thoughts on Gratitude for Those Who’ve Been (or are going) Through Hell

thoughts on being thankful for those who are going through hell

A few years back I stood up in front of my aunts, uncles, cousins, children, parent, grandparent, and extended family at the Thanksgiving table and volunteered to say the dinner prayer. I didn’t usually volunteer for something like that. But that year, just a few months before we’d secured an apartment. In September, just a few days before my kids would start school my brother and I had snagged a cheap two bedroom apartment to share with my children. My kids and I had just spent the summer homeless. We weren’t on the street, but we had been sleeping in my mom’s living room for over two months. It might not seem that bad if you’ve never had to do it, but if you have–YOU KNOW how demoralizing it is to lose your home.

I cannot tell you how thankful I was to have our own apartment, with our own furniture, our own space, and a fridge full of food. With tears streaming down  my face (you know I’m a crier) I shared how thankful I was that we had  home, a roof of our own over our heads, and that we could afford to make the drive up to Northern California for Thanksgiving.  I think a lot of us cried at that dinner table that night. It wasn’t the first time my kids and I had been through hell and it wouldn’t be the last, but I had never felt so thankful in all my life just to have a home.

Maybe life is peachy for you right now and if it is I’m so glad. But if you’re going through some shit, or if you just pulled yourself free of some and you’re still washing off the grime and massaging the scars, I hope these thoughts will bring you some comfort and thanksgiving:

You normally have to be bashed about a bit by life to see the point of daffodils, sunsets and uneventful nice days.
― Alain de Botton

A post shared by Mel Robbins (@melrobbinslive) on

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced to by them.

― Maya Angelou

A post shared by Chrissy Metz (@chrissymetz) on

If you have only one smile in you give it to the people you love.

― Maya Angelou

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.

― Meister Eckhart

I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful–for all of it.

― Kristin Armstrong

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Often there’s a secret courage hidden in the pocket of our deepest fears saying, “Bring it on mutherfucker.”

― Curtis Tyrone Jones

 

Big love and thankfulness to you for reading this. I hope it helped, if only a little.

~Andrea

What to Do When You Feel Like Nothing is Working

Does this happen to you? You’re doing something new, pursuing a new goal or change and it feels like NOTHING is working. Here are some ways this has shown up for me:

  • I’m pitching or submitting writing all over, but all I hear are crickets in my inbox
  • I market myself, but my social following isn’t growing as fast as I want
  • I’m working on that book and it feels like I’ll never finish it
  • I diet and exercise but haven’t lost weight yet
  • I tell my teenagers to do their chores, but feel like I’m just talking into an echo chamber

Been there?

Meanwhile, you look on your Instagram feed and it seems that everyone else is killing it. This is when I usually get a little punchy.

I’m the type of person who, once she knows what she wants, wants it NOW. Of course, as an grownup I’ve had to learn–usually the hard way–that I have to wait. And sometimes that wait is looooong. Or seems like it, anyway.

Trying something new, whether that’s a diet, pitching a book, eating better, or even pursuing your dreams, is a risk.  And risks always bring up resistance.

If we don’t try anything new, we feel safe, comfortable. We know what to expect, even if that’s mediocrity.

When we step out of our comfort zones though, and take a risk, we don’t know what the outcome will be.

And waiting in silence can sometimes feel like failure, or torture.

Our bodies and minds often react to the sometimes slow burn of waiting in predictable ways.  But the good news is that recognizing those predictable reactions can be an effective way to begin digging yourself out of the anxiety or despair of waiting.

A few years back, I had a job I hated. Every day I had to prepare myself mentally to survive the day without slapping my boss and telling him what I really thought. Aside from not being treated like a human being, I think the thing that stung the most was that I was working so hard at something that didn’t matter to me. I knew I was capable of so much more; I knew I wanted to do something more meaningful, to help people.

On top of the shitty job, I had a second job in retail, and yet still could only afford to live at my mom’s apartment, sharing a single bedroom with my two kids. Of course I realize that others have it way worse and I don’t claim to own all the pain. But basically, my prior businesses had failed and I was in a very disempowered mental state.

It was a real banner time in my life. 

My stress levels were near capacity, so much so that I was practically incapable of figuring out what to do next to get back on my feet.

Funny enough though, on top of all that I had recently decided to  commit to pursuing my dream of becoming a writer and speaker.

I figured, heck what else did I have to lose? If I failed at what I thought I should do (being a successful business owner), I might as well fail at what I really wanted to do (be a writer and speaker, inspiring others).

So between two jobs and two kids, I’d carve out 20 minutes each day to do something, anything, even minuscule toward the glimmer of  life I wanted to lead.

Each morning I’d pull myself up out of my twin-sized bed, and with a heavy heart, push myself to reframe my mentality.

My mantra usually looked a lot like this: at least you have work, this won’t last forever, there are lessons to learn in this space.

Most of the time, I believed myself. But sometimes when the tendrils of negativity had dug too deep into my soul, I bawled, cursed, and complained, which if I’m honest, helped purge me, too. In any case, I needed reinforcements–I could not rely on myself alone to be positive.

Yet despite the love and support of those closest to me, I knew the only one who could shift this was me. So I had to reinforce my own mindset.

I listened to motivational speeches, books, and seminars on the half hour commute to the job I hated. When I arrived, I’d take a deep breath before I opened my car door. I’d gather my lunch bag, straighten my business casual button-down, and walk, head held as high as possible, past my bosses’ office windows on the way to the front door. I grasped for a happy thought so I could have a smile on my face when I walked through the door to whatever shitstorm of demoralization was in store for me that day.

I’m not very good at faking it. But I clung to those positive messages I’d listened to in the car on the way to work.

I survived that near year of struggle and moved on to better things, but every day was a push and pull of dealing with crap and doing everything I could to stay afloat mentally.

It felt like FOR-EV-ER!

 

~

Nowadays, I’m doing the work I feel put on this earth to do and there is a deep well of fulfillment that comes with that, but not always such a deep pocket book. Of course I’m still working hard to attain certain further goals, aka building my Empire of Empowerment. **insert non-evil laugh here**

But sometimes I still grow impatient when results aren’t materializing as fast as I’d like. Sometimes I even get in a panic and wonder if maybe I would be better off if I just had a “normal” life and the security that comes with that.

When I’m smart, I go back to those coping tools I learned the hard way. So, here are some tools that will hopefully help you in your journey.

When you feel like you've got nothing left and nothing is working

Weighing the Alternative

As weak sauce as it may sound, the thing that often gets me through a tough waiting period is weighing the alternative. I mean, I could be living a different life–one of predictability and stability, but never get around to writing my books, never help people with their brands, never bring hope to those who’ve had to rise above their circumstances. But I would be miserable.

So as torturous as it is to wait when you’re doing the work and NOTHING is working, it’s still better than not doing what you feel you must.

Listen to Positive People (or People Who’ve Been Through it)

Is that motivation enough, though? Aside from the shadow alternative of not trying, the other thing that gets me through is listening to, or reading, or watching inspiring people.

We can’t always have the perfect mindset, so sometimes we need to rely on someone who’s  not in the pit of despair–someone who can throw us a rope of encouragement to help us climb out of our self-imposed misery.

Did you know that for every negative thought or comment you need to counteract it with seventeen positive ones? Negativity is sticky. Positivity is more hard-won, but worth it.

Don’t Panic

The other thing tendency when you’re trying something new and aren’t getting a response or a reward is to try to figure out what you’re doing wrong so you can quickly change it.

Sometimes this is a valid approach. I mean, we all know the definition of insanity.

Sometimes it is not. More often than not, it takes more time to build this new thing than we realize.

Just because it’s taking time doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong track.

We’re so used to immediate gratification these days, so if we don’t get thousands of followers, or millions in sales, or immediate recognition right now, we think we’re doing something wrong.

Often, we just need to stick with what we’re doing, make minor adjustments, and trust that the Universe will meet us halfway. Either that, or trust that miracles are possible.

One way to decipher whether you need to change your approach or just keep sticking to it is to have a group of trusted, knowledgeable peers (or a mentor), to be honest with you.

It’s not over

I think the most important thing to remember though, is that there is virtue in the work itself, even if the outcome isn’t what you’d hoped for. As cliche as it sounds there is always something to learn. Usually a lot more from the things that didn’t work than the things that did.

Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve had many ventures, ideas, tries and fails. I’ve learned a ton.

Even if you’re trapped in a soul-sucking job, eventually there will be a way out if you keep your eyes open. Even if you’re not seeing results yet from your new workout regime, you will. Even if you’re not hearing back from publications on that essay you’ve been pitching, you will; or you won’t and then maybe you’ll just publish it on your own blog. 😉

We humans always forget that nothing is permanent (well, except death, but until then…). Change is inevitable, so if you’re going through a period of struggle you have to remind yourself it will end.

It’s also important to be realistic and not expect to be the next bestselling author, or Steve Jobs overnight.

Watch this:

Your WHY

Finally, the thing I go back to when I am questioning everything, including whether or not I should press on, is my WHY. I ask myself two questions to determine if I’m feeling like shit because I’m following the wrong path, or if it’s just a bump on the right road:

  1. Why am I doing this?
  2. Do I really believe in it?

We can have all of the right tools in place, but if we aren’t sold on the reason we’re wanting to lose weight, or start a business, or build this brand, we likely will not have the follow through. So if your “why” is not good enough, either figure out a better “why” or perhaps it’s  time to change routes.

While the first question prompts you to remember your goal, the second question activates your own well-developed bullshit-o-meter.

We often ignore the wisdom we have deep down. Asking ourselves if we really believe in what we’re doing can often reveal clues to whether or not we should keep going.

Here’s a tip: when you ask yourself these questions, pay attention not only to your mental response, but to how your body feels in that moment. Often, our bodies reveal what our minds are sometimes incapable of telling us.

~

Listen, I know it’s hard to keep walking the path when you can’t see where it will end. There are only a few guarantees in life, and most of them do not ensure that you will be the victor. But one guarantee is change. So if you’re doing the work, things will change. It may not happen according to the timeline you set, but it will come eventually.

I keep going, despite the times where I’d rather curl up in the fetal position and never get out of bed. I remind myself that to think that I wouldn’t be met with challenges when trying something new is just delusional thinking.

I believe that: good things are coming to those who are striving for good.

Music

Finally, one of the best ways to quickly shift your emotional state is through music. So here’s my little gift to you, my own personal badass-good-mood-kick-ass-take-names playlist. I hope it makes you dance toward your vision of success!

 

 

What if There’s a Refuge Built Right Inside Every Human Being?

This week I listened to an episode of the On Being podcast that made me reconsider how we humans survive trauma or hardship.

Krista Tippett’s interview with poet John O’Donohue was profound. I found myself rewinding and replaying segments that rang through my body like an ancient song of wisdom. I’d like to share with you what struck such a resonant chord with me.

Here’s the transcript excerpt of O’Donohue talking about the thirteenth century mystic called Meister Eckhart:

…one day I read him, and he said, “There is a place in the soul that neither time nor space nor no created thing can touch.” And I really thought that was amazing. And if you cash it out, what it means is that your identity is not equivalent to your biography and that there is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there is still a sureness in you, where there’s a seamlessness in you, and where there is a confidence and tranquility in you. And I think the intention of prayer and spirituality and love is now and again to visit that inner kind of sanctuary.

This simple thought made me feel like rewriting the story I’d been telling myself about my own life. See, lately I have been reclaiming the idea that none of us are our past, or “our story.” I think for so long I held on to the idea of figuring out my past in order to find answers to my identity. Years into researching and writing my own memoir, I now see that while my past has served to form me, I am so much more than my story.

Let me explain.

Years ago, there was a moment when the course of my life changed drastically. It was 1995; I was fifteen and engaged to be married to a man I wasn’t in love with (long story). Between my fiancé’s absolute joy, my parents’ financial investment in the wedding, and my people-pleasing mentality, I didn’t have the nerve to call things off. I told no one how I felt, but squirreled away my truth into a place so deep within my soul that I soon forgot it was there. I told myself I could do ‘this’-for everyone else’s sake. All it required was some denial and muscling through.

The new me continued in the forward motion of life, getting married at sixteen, pregnant at seventeen, and again at nineteen. I moved across the country with my then husband and children, and was a good Christian wife who submitted to him, and followed where he led. From time to time, my natural verve broke through and I’d challenge him on theological or philosophical assumptions, or what I believed to be my one area of expertise-how the children should be raised. But for the most part, I lived with eyes half-shuttered, ears muffled, and head down.

As the years passed, though I had an eternally deep well of love for my children, I grew numb to most everything. Soon the simple act of continuing to exist became painful. I slipped into a depression and then slipped back out (sort of) while taking Zoloft.

Andrea and kids in Europe

Me at 22, with my kids in Europe; daughter covered in chocolate, son passed out. Summer 2002

About six years into that murky time, we compiled student loans, a little savings, and a lot of credit card debt to fund a twelve-week trip across Europe with our four-year old and nineteen-month-old. It was there in Europe, exposed to a vast expanse of life, history, and culture that I realized there was more to life than how I’d been living. My head raised, eyes snapped open, and my ears suddenly heard what they couldn’t before.

But the problem with understanding that there is more, is realizing that you don’t have it.

I began to see that my melancholy was caused by a slow bleeding-out of everything I once was before I got married. And because I had married so young, I had been losing my identity before it had had a chance to fully form. My soul was dying in the marriage we had constructed of silt and toothpicks.

But that secret part of me I’d hidden away almost a decade before began to crackle and glow within me and do its work to bust apart the layers of murky malaise I had lived in so long.

I’ve been working on a memoir for several years now and have always interpreted that “me nugget” I squirreled away at fifteen as a vestige of my former self-the girl I used to be. Through the fifteen plus years since that fateful Europe trip, my children and I have been through multiple serious hardships (more on that another time).

Lately, I’ve been wondering when I’ll run out of energy to weather the next life challenge, when or should it arrive. I have been looking at myself like a damaged warrior. As anyone who’s been through a marathon of personal battles will tell you, what doesn’t kill you doesn’t always necessarily make you stronger. Sometimes it drains you to within inches of your life.

And then this thought came along on the podcast-through the centuries, through Meister Eckhart, and John O’Donohue: what if there is a part of me that is untouched by fear or trauma? What if there is an island of solace in the depths of each of us? What if there is an eye of the storm we can come home to when our lives are whirling in chaos?

What a relief. I don’t have to worry about being strong enough if I can retreat to my untouched soul when I need to regroup.

After I listened to the podcast, I discussed this idea over lunch with my son and daughter, now nineteen and sixteen. They brought up Eastern philosophies which teach not only a sort of untouched place in your soul, but that it is a communal space we all belong to. It is a central universal consciousness where we find refuge and connection with the entire human race and maybe all of earth itself.

We all have our own private struggles, some in the hard work of pursuing our dreams, some in the push of birthing beauty into this world, and others with massive health, economic, cultural, weather, or societal events that threaten to crack us open and bleed us out.

I’m not convinced there’s always a reason for when bad things happen. I mean, tell that to the child imprisoned as a sex-worker, or to the countless families who’ve lost their homes in Hurricane Harvey and Irma, or the refugee who lost his family.

I’m not saying there can’t be purpose in tragedy. But that line of reasoning has only ever comforted me when the stakes are low. Otherwise, it reeks of bullshit.

Still there are some of us who weather tragedy and hardship better than others. Maybe this unwounded soul thing is why.

I like the idea that there is an inner holy refuge built right into each of us, that it is something I can cling to when the storm is raging all around me.

O’Donohue went on to mention that the most direct way to connect with that part of ourselves (and our interior life) is through beauty, whether it is an impeccably performed song, a well-crafted book, the exquisite dance of nature, or a lovingly prepared meal. These corporeal pleasures fast-track us from fear to home (the home inside ourselves).

So maybe I never actually squirreled away that part of me like I thought I did. Maybe that untouched part of me was always there, waiting for me to reconnect. And perhaps that Europe trip came to me at the exact right time, when seeing masterful art at the Louvre, sipping beer in a German beer garden, savoring chocolate in Belgium, and standing in the Roman Forum connected me not only to that stalwart part of me, but bound me to the consciousness of my sisters and brothers throughout history as well.

I felt this while I was there, but never had the concept to wrap around the feeling. Until now.

Maybe that sureness is what has sustained me through my own personal hells. Maybe that is the super power we all have and we all share and need only access.

I choose to believe the beauty we see, the beauty we are, and the beauty we create has the power to truly change the world.

>> Listen to the John O’Donohue episode of On Being. << Namaste