The Life Dream Archive

10,000 hours, that’s what experts, like Malcolm Gladwell, say it takes to master a subject.  Whether it’s chess, cooking, or public speaking it takes that long to truly master your craft.  Daunting, huh?

That’s a ton of hours, if you really think about it.  For instance, let’s say you have a ton of time and can devote 20 hours per week to your craft.  It would still take you about  10 years to become a master.  Oh gee, is that all? Piece of cake.  (I figure I’ve got about 6k hours left to become a “master” at writing, and probably  9k hours left to becoming a public speaking master.)

To be honest, it’s a pretty obscure goal.  I mean, sure there’s a sense of accomplishment to saying “I’ve written for 10,000 hours!” but after your friends congratulate you and then roll their eyes, there’s not much left.  It’s not as if there’s some certificate of completion or doctoral degree to be awarded.  So perhaps it’s more useful to set a more tangible goal, like who you want to be, and then choose the goal.

In  Paul Tough’s How Children Succeed (a must read, btw) he quotes grand master of chess, Jonathan Rowson, “When it comes to ambition it is crucial to distinguish between ‘wanting’ something and ‘choosing’ it.”   If you decide for instance, that you want to become a best-selling author, you may not only not become one, but you will then suffer the disappointment and regret of falling short of this goal.  However, if you choose to become a best-selling author, then you will then “reveal your choice through your behavior and your determination,” as Rowson says, “Every action says ‘This is who I am’.”

Of course this is not new news; we’ve heard this philosophy of positive visualization before in books like The Secret.  Particularly poignant though is the idea of choice when it comes to who you will be.  There’s something especially powerful and frightening about choosing one’s destiny.  There are a lot of “what if’s” in life, and it can be petrifying to take the reins and say “this is who I will be.”  Ironically enough, there is also something equally terrifying about not choosing, effectively letting the chips fall where they may, possibly never living up to your own potential.

How can you choose to be who you want, knowing there’s a possibility you may fail?  Life is both implicitly simple and dangerously complex.   It has certain “rules;” for instance, you can say that you will be a flower, but you will never actually metamorph into a petalled perennial.  Yet someone can grow up in poverty, living in a van and then, with determination, become one of the funniest, wealthiest comedians in Hollywood (yep that’s Jim Carrey) .  So how do you know if it is possible to be the person you want to be?  In essence, are you thinking unrealistically that you want to be a flower?  This the point at which some logic is thrown out the window and you move into the realm of possibility.  Is it possible, in some way, despite the challenges you face, to become what you want to become?

Where is the possibility in your life?  I know you’ve got a million excuses for not being “where you want to be.”  I’ve had them too and still wrestle with them.  But at every crossroad you make a decision to either move closer to who you want to be or further away.  It may not be an easy journey, but it may be a possible one.

Contrary to what many success gurus say, you very likely will not start making six figures 3 months after you decide to choose your dream.  God knows I haven’t had that experience and honestly, I’d be a shitty person if I had.  There is beauty in the hard work and chaos that goes along with fighting for your dream.  Sometimes the universe just aligns with your goals and it is an unbelievable ease.  Other times the universe tests your resolve.

In order to live in the Possibility zone, it takes faith.  You have to start having faith in the possibility that you can achieve your dream – YOU, not someone else.  You can have 100 people who believe in you (and boy does that feel great), but if you, at your core, secretly do not, then you’re in for trouble.  Sure you may even make it to your goal, bolstered by the love and support of others.  Believe you me I am not downplaying that support.  I would be nowhere without the help of my support system.  However, unless you learn to have faith in yourself you will always be seeking out the acceptance of others, which is just plain draining.

On my desk, I keep a framed little artwork piece with a quote from St. Theresa, it’s an absolutely beautiful quote and this line is just perfect:  “May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith,”  Just soak in that for a bit.

Think of the unending possibilities for you if you can have even a start of faith, in yourself and choose.  You aren’t on this earth for nothing, choose who you are.

And of course, I couldn’t write this post without a shout out to Incubus’ Make Yourself:

 *Read Paul Tough’s How Children Succeed to see what that foundation is.

 

Failure paves the road to success. I’ve come to terms with that idea. I’ve even come to be almost comfortable with certain types of failure.  But what really gets my goat is the by-product of failure, aka self-doubt. For me it’s not the failure itself, nor the fear of it, it’s the seed of doubt that failing plants in my head. Logically, I know that each failure just means I’m closer to achieving my goal, yet I can’t help but wonder sometimes, is there something wrong with me?

I recently applied for a writing scholarship that I figured I was a shoe-in for, then fear, failure and self-doubt paid me a visit. The award was based heavily on the student’s economic situation and, of course, their essay. Since, at the moment, my financial situation is very much less-than-savory and I wrote a darn decent essay, I figured, I’ve got this. I just ‘felt’ like it was mine. So when I got the rejection email I was actually a bit surprised. It’s not as if this scholarship was a make or break for going to school. It wasn’t as if I was being rejected enrollment by the only school I wanted to go to. Still it saddened me and I thought, well, I doubt they had a lot of applicants in worse economic situations, so perhaps my writing just wasn’t up to snuff. And that was the ticket to make me melancholy for the rest of the night. Depressed enough to have too much kettle corn and two cocktails, on a weeknight nonetheless! As I guiltily mixed the drink, breaking my diet, I thought, I know I am a good writer, why didn’t they think so? (The adult equivalent of: “ Why don’t they like me?”)

The problem started with my expectation, or the weight, I put on this scholarship. I tried to be balanced and detached. I told myself that even if I didn’t get it, it wasn’t a big deal. I still had the possibility of a grant and if all else failed, at least I had enough money saved for one class and that was a start. Secretly though, held on to this idea: if they give me the scholarship it’s confirmation that someday I will be a super successful writer – that perhaps I will be the golden child of the writer’s program. So naturally, when it turned out I was not, in fact, the golden child, that I was very likely not even the best candidate, my ego took a blow.

It’s hard to be a dreamer and know when to temper it. As an idealist, the part of me that says, you’ve got something here, conventions don’t apply, live extraordinary, and pushes me to believe in something bigger, yeah that part, also has some unrealistic hopes (and standards). As dreamers it’s as if the ability to think big is just built into our DNA. Unrealistic expectations of grandeur can be my forte and, in truth, part of the motivation for achieving great things in my life. But sometimes it gets to be too much. When it does it leads to what a lot of us dreamers and entrepreneurs experience as moments of self-doubt and discouragement.

We think we’re supposed to keep humming along, motivated every day to reach new heights – to achieve what we set out to do, without being blindsided by failure. Yet when the dark cloud of failure or doubt moves in we think of giving up, throwing in the towel, that maybe we aren’t quite as cool as we think we are. Truly we are both not as cool as and somehow totally more rad than we even realize. Let me explain, we aren’t necessarily going to fulfill every expectation, hope or dream our passion drums up, but what makes us extraordinary is that we do not get stuck (for too long) on the side of that road. We are the ones who keep moving forward even we feel so beaten down that we want to give up.

In a dire moment of parenting overload and flounced onto my bed and blubbered to my boyfriend, sitting nearby, “It’s all too much, sometimes I just want to run away, I used to think I was strong and now I’m so weak.” (It had been a particularly tumultuous day in teenagerland.) In his ever more rational way of looking at the world, he said, “Andrea, what makes you strong is not that you handle everything perfectly, it’s that you struggle and cry and then, even when you feel like doing the opposite, you never give up.” It’s probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

Life is full of storms, and there are even more when you’re pursuing a dream; sometimes you feel like you’re about to drown, or that it might even be easier to just drown and be done with it.  Just remember YOU are the only one who can make your dream happen. Sometimes you’re going to give out, but that doesn’t mean you need to give up.

3 (or 4) Ways to stave off this particular brand of mind-freaking:

1. Fall in Love Again. Remind yourself how you felt when you took the first step of this journey, the place where you were inspired and motivated, impassioned to pursue this path. Being a dreamer or entrepreneur is like being in love. It always starts with the “honeymoon” phase. As you go through the hard times you need to remind yourself of why you are here in the first place, why it is so worth it. If you don’t you will lose sight or at least focus and it will not end well. So take the time to fall in love with your dream again.

2. Identify what secret/private expectations you have of a given situation and let them go. This is something you might not even tell anyone else. (Like my “golden child” fantasy) Easy right? Bah. This is a hard one, but if you can “let it go” and realize that things will happen as they should and that you’ve done all you can, you free yourself up for possibility. The state of possibility is where you can more rationally decide what actions you will take if this particular situation doesn’t work out – rather than reacting emotionally after the fact. And if you’re having a hard time letting it go, remind yourself that, most importantly, if it doesn’t go the way you’d like – you’re still awesome and you’ll get there, eventually.

3. Be Kind. When things don’t go the way you’d like, instead of berating yourself or bashing the person or circumstances, be compassionate with yourself and, gasp, maybe even others. Vent for sure, it’s important to get all that crap out of your head and heart. But then be kind to yourself. Learn whatever lessons you can from the situation. Improve where you need to improve, stretch and grow, but be vigilant about not allowing fear to take over again.

4. (PRAY like you mean it!)

 

Have some of your own tips?  Please share!

Short & Simple:  Three things I’ve found to inspire you today!

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately on women, single moms and empowerment.  I’m so excited about the opportunities that are popping up and my first book (that I’m working on).  I want to share three things with you right now, to keep your momentum going, to help you keep plugging along to your dreams.

 

1.  Read the story of Women Empowered  founder, Shelly Ulaj

 

 

 

 

 

2. Listen to the words of this quote and let it be your daily meditation:

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  

Live the life you have imagined.”

– Henry David Theoreau

3.  Watch this video – What a great project!  

I can’t wait til this comes out.

 

 

 

 

Have something inspiring to share?  Please do!

I’ve recently been given the gift of more time (hope it’s not temporary)!  Now, that’s pretty much a miracle, especially for a single mom.  So how is it that I feel like I get LESS done now that I have more time?

It’s amazing how many “To Do” items keep cropping up now that I have more ‘free time.’  From laundry to doctor appointments to bills, there’s always something.  Have you ever felt this way?  It’s like none of these things seem really important in-and-of themselves, yet they had to get done.

I’m going to confess that I have a compulsion to get shit done.  It started when I became a single mom without child support.  I pretty much feel like I always need to be productive, except during my designated relax times.  But I get distracted too (one of my biggest distractions is the internet).  Keep me away from Facebook or reading articles online because a “quick minute” turns into hours, fast.  

So how do you keep the momentum going if you’re trying to get ‘er done?  

Here are my TOP 5  Get Sh*t DONE! tips (some from 4 Hour Work Week)

#5.  Limit interruptions.  Turn your phone off, close your email program, log out of Facebook, tell everyone you can’t talk right now, shut your door, escape to the library, whatever you need to do.  Interruptions are the devil!  You can always check your phone, email etc. once you’ve completed your task.

#4.  Dress for success.  I know this sounds silly, but for some reason you just feel more professional & focused if you prepare for your day/work – even if you work from home.  So go ahead, take a shower, do your hair and wear a nice shirt – you’ll feel more prepped for your tasks.

#3.  Create a sense of urgency by using a timer.  Think about how much more productive you are when you know you have a limited amount of time to do a given task.  (For example, cleaning up your house when a last minute guest is about to stop by)  If you’re working on your computer, use http://e.ggtimer.com to set a timer that will interrupt you when your time is up.  (I like to set a timer for each specific task, i.e. check Facebook, write an article, etc.)  This also method also gives you that bonus warm, fuzzy feeling of completing something before the timer buzzes!

#2.  Plan Ahead.  Create two things:  a To Do List and Calendar for your week ahead (I like to do this Sunday nights).  Make your To Do List first, then see where you can fit the items in to your week.  Remember to allot some “free time” for unexpected events and relaxing, and always overestimate how long things will take you.  If you can’t fit everything from your list into your calendar, then prioritize & either bump these items to the next week or see what you can remove from your existing calendar.  Knowing what lies ahead helps create peace of mind and a clear head means better, more creative results throughout the week.

#1.  Get RID of CABLE TV!  A few years ago, when I was operating two businesses, raising my kids and acting VP of Marketing for a women’s business organization, a colleague asked me “How do you manage to do all of that at once?”  “I don’t watch TV” was my answer.  Think about how often you watch TV – 1-2 hrs a day or more?  That’s at least 30 hrs per month.  Just think what you could fit in those wasted hours (Hint, hint: achieving your dreams)  Now I’m not saying never watch, I enjoy a good movie or even a TV show sometimes, just scale back and see what you can accomplish.  [If you’re more of a gamer than a TV watcher…this more than applies to you as well!]

Hope these will help in your quest to get stuff done.  Please share your tips below as well.  I’m all ears!!